" Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach". Tom Robbins (American Novelist. b.1936)
Although interpersonal conflicts may be common to some, it is rare for a non-confrontational person like myself, who’d prefer to avoid a contention than to face one. I attribute this partly to my upbringing, where tolerance and forbearance are encouraged. However, one particular incident gave me reason to reconsider my approach towards resolving such conflicts.
In secondary school, I was tasked to lead a squad in the National Police Cadet Corps (NPCC) with a fellow cadet, ‘A’. We each had very different personalities and unfortunately, her dislike for me was palpable right from the start of our partnership. I did not understand why she treated me with such hostility, but never did approach her. As a result, our working relationship was filled with much tension, and often misinterpreted each other’s meanings.
My pent-up frustration culminated to a head when one day (6 months after we took over the mantle of leadership), while performing a post-camp logistics check-out, the recess bell rang, signally the end of our break. As I prepared to leave, ‘A’ remarked loudly to a fellow cadet, ‘B’, that I was being irresponsible for abandoning my duties. Right in that musty shed, that groundless accusation broke my last thread of restraint. ‘I was in no way being irresponsible!’ I thought. In a span of a few milliseconds, I had to make a choice: swallow my anger and walk away, or confront her and demand an explanation.
If I chose to walk away, it would have been an expected response given my non-confrontational personality and things will remain as status quo – they will neither get better or worse; If I stand up to her accusations, it will most definitely trigger an argument, our working relationship may be jeopardized, but I may finally know the root cause of her hostility.
Dear readers, do you walk away or stand up to her accusation?
EDITED BLOG POST #2
Dear Steph,
ReplyDeleteI like your candid and clear sharing about this interpersonal conflict.. It seems that this conflict did not arise from this single incident, but it's also some frustration that must have accumulated over time. I feeel really pleased with the way you handled it, given you made a stand for yourself!
Cheers,
You Sheng
Hohoho, steph erupted. That must be quite a scene!
ReplyDeleteCan't imagine that!
(I like your pre-edited posts. Sort of convey a slightly different story than this. This piece seems to be quite mild and I don't feel THE emotion. It was subdued.)
It's hard to gauge who can handle direct confrontation and still live with it and some who needs to sweep below the carpet. That makes it harder for us to connect with people and build relationships.
Hey Yong Xin, the reason why I edited my post was because the reason for my outburst wasn't clearly expressed. It was, like what You Sheng mentioned, accumulated over a period of time. My pre-edited post gave the impression that it was the 'string of words' that my partner uttered that angered me. But those words were merely a trigger that unlocked the tide of frustration I had kept bottled up within me. So i still feel this post better explained the events leading to my outburst. Also, I am trying not to sound like I'm ranting :P and to give a clearer picture of the conflict. Of course, this post has less angst (hahaha), hence it may not be as interesting to read. Have you had a similar experience before? Maybe you can tell me what you would have done! Also, I'm not sure if I created quite a scene but cadet 'B' chided me for speaking like that to cadet 'A', but I just dismissed her. I felt she had no right to speak then, and told her so.
ReplyDeleteperhaps non-confrontational attitudes would lead to less than perfect working situations. passive-aggressiveness abounds in our society, unfortunately. and it's almost a lost art, the art of confrontation. of course that's not to say that being confrontational and aggressive could solve all the problems in the world.
ReplyDeletebut in such cases as yours, where the root cause is not addressed, it seems only an honest direct outburst could solve it.
thanks for sharing!
i doubt it was easy to reveal this side of you :D
This post of yours is better elaborated and I like the interesting use of descriptive vocabulary. Your anecdotes seem to come 'alive' because of that! :)
ReplyDeleteSteph,
ReplyDeleteI meant to mention today that I don't see the question posed here for your classmates. have another look at the assignment.
Hi Brad,
ReplyDeleteI did make a post entitled Peer Teaching Assignment: Drop your feedback now! the link is below...Did I do something wrong? :x
http://dandidewdrops.blogspot.com/2010/08/peer-teaching-assignment-drop-your.html
Thanks for sharing this episode, Steph. It's clear and concise, and complete except one vital thing seems to be missing. I would like to know what the "root cause of misunderstanding" was. What was A's problem with you? Without knowing that, it's not clear to me how difficult the resolution might have been.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you could have framed this issue in such a way that your readers were requested to react to the initial volley of accusations. In short, when a person unloads on us, what do we do?
In any case, you've initiated some good discussion here. I appreciate your effort.
Brad,
ReplyDeleteI like your suggestion to Steph, but I wonder if it may be too personal for her to share?
Dear Brad, I myself do not know what the "root cause of misunderstanding" had been. Is it really important to know the reason in this scenario? If the reason for her hostility, was simply because she hated my guts, would that have justified her actions? The interpersonal conflict in the shed was a result of me keeping that frustration within. I meant to ask the readers if they would have confronted her or walked away (or rather, proved my point that avoidance is not the best solution). However, i misread the specification of this blog (oops) BUT i have posted a new question in this edited blog post! cheers! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your feedback.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey stephanie, I've been in similar situations before. I've learnt it the hard way that it's important to distinguish between being polite,tolerant and being submissive and easy going towards bad behavior.
ReplyDeleteI've been in social situations like this, in which one person from a group was being verbally abusive towards me. I was angry and wanted to confront the issue. However at the back of my mind I was worried about 'losing' the relationship or being called out by others for having a bad temper or being a spoilsport.
Perhaps the best way to deal with such an issue is to point out or question the abusive behavior in a totally calm manner. By staying emotionally detached from the rude remarks, I am conveying that the person's rude remarks do not affect me, while at the same time standing up for myself.
With regards to "A", perhaps I would say this "Maybe you're right, but I know I've done my part well, so please keep your comment to yourself."
A would not feel that she was being confronted, since I had not attacked/challenged her comment on me. At the same time, I was able to tell A respectfully what I wanted, that is, I do not feel comfortable with her comment,and I would like her to restrain from making such comments in the future again.
Hi Stephanie
ReplyDeleteThe nature of the conflict was clear in the post, that there was tension between you and cadet A. I am pretty much like yourself, preferring a passive take over a confrontation. On times that I am forced to a point of bursting, I'd always ask myself, "is it worth it?". When the answer is no, I'd take myself out of the situation, and revisit it when I am all calm and cooled down. An angry mind is never a clear one.
However, confrontations are sometimes neccessary. In fact, true relationships do strengthen over them. I do argue with my mum sometimes, over differing viewpoints or different styles of handling things(laundry for example). At the end of it all, we end up knowing a little more about each other.
If I were in your shoes, I would feel justified to say the exact same words you did. Staying back in recess time to do work is proof enough of your sense of responsibility. It is also the same quality that made you prepare to leave, so that you wouldn't end up cutting class. I did think, however, that your statement would have been sufficient, and that it would be best to leave after you made your point.
After leaving, Cadet A will be thinking about what you said before you had left. This would give her time to reflect upon it, and hopefully realise that she perhaps was overboard in her comment. Furthermore, by leaving, it prevents the confrontation from escalating into a heated quarrel. This is a win-win situation.
Finally, when everyone's cooled off, an apology and make-up offer would be a nice follow-up.
Cheers
Wee Boon
Hi Weiping and Wee Boon,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments/advice. Both of you agreed that what Cadet A said to me weren't justified, and that I should have just point that our to her and well, be on my way! I firmly believe in thinking before I speak (in fact, some friends have commented that I think too much lol).
Then...what about the pent-up tensions that were palpable but none of us were addressing? In Chinese, there is a word called "wei3 qu1". That was exactly how I felt. Without an outburst such as this, I would have made my point for that particular incident, but not solve the deeper root of misunderstanding, that is, she thought I was being irresponsible not just in this case, but other cases. Without a confrontation, she won't understand that gossiping hurts people, and I will never know why she even started.
Dear Steph,
ReplyDeleteNo, I don't think it's essential to know the root cause. I guess I felt when reading this that you probably should have gone to the person right from the start to find out why there was a problem with you.
Of course, as they say, hindsight is 20-20. Easier said than done.Whatever the case, I would try to avoid engaging the person when she is angry. Would that have been possible?
Dear Brad, I agree that everything could have been solved if I just came up to her right from the start and clarified the misunderstandings. However, things weren't so straightforward. Gossips can build walls and tear down relationships faster than anything. If she were indeed angry at me for the right reasons (not angry for the sake of it), it would have been fine if she told me I was being irresponsible right in my face, instead of having to whisper to her friend; I was just there. I personally do not think I would have acted any differently. But all your suggestions helped me realized something else for myself: If there's anything unpleasant we want to say about a person, it should be done face to face, not behind the person's back.
ReplyDelete